Something is Missing... and Other Stuff

Hi all-

Christmas was a wonderful this year but there was just one thing missing. A little piece of my heart has been living in a tiny room in Kazakhstan since December 3rd. I miss my little Aibek. He was absent from our otherwise happy holidays and although no one else may have felt the hole where he should have been, I most definitely did. It was the same feeling I get when Rinat is sleeping soundly in the other room while we have fun without him. I just hate for him to miss out on anything and I want to run in there and shake him awake. I tried really hard to be excited for Rinat and enjoy time with family but there was a little bit of me that was really sad not to have him with us yet. I know other people don’t know him yet and so they didn’t feel the void that we did but I really truly missed him being there. Sometimes I would feel myself start to get upset, but honestly it’s hard to get lost in thought with Rin around. He is full of energy and full of questions. It is nonstop with him around. And it’s good. He keeps me from living too much in my head and dwelling on things that I can’t control anyway.

It’s been a month now since we last saw our youngest son and I can feel the memory of him slipping away just a little bit.  The Aibek-ness of him is a little bit hard to remember now.  I look at his photos and I try and remember how he smells, how he sucks in his lip when he concentrates or the look on his face when we walk into the room after nap, but I am forgetting it.  Please please let me get there soon.  I am forgetting him and I know he has long ago given up on us.  I just hope he will give us another chance when I get back there.  All I want to do is pick him up and not put him down again until he knows that we’ll never leave him again.    

But on a brighter note, Rin turned 4 about a week ago.  We were on the road coming home from vacation for most of the day but he got to open some gifts before we hit the road and we bought a little cake at Giant on the way home.  I felt badly that we didn’t spend the day celebrating him but he could have cared less.  He didn’t care that the cake wasn’t homemade- all he cared about was getting the piece with the most icing.  And all day long and every day since he will burst out with “I can-n’t believe I’m FOUR!!!” periodically.    

Since his birthday (and now Aibek’s too) falls during the holidays, we wait a month or so before we celebrate it and then do it up right with a party and gifts and all.  Waiting to find out about Kaz is putting a hold on things but once we find that out, I am hoping to be able to plan something fun to celebrate both of the boys’ birthdays.  Rin has been very specific this year about about how he wants to celebrate with his friends and who he wants to come to his party.  And who he doesn’t.  There’s one kid from his class that he tells me is on Santa’s naughty list because he pushes and hits.  “I don’t like him and I don’t play with him. And he’s not allowed at my party.” Rin tells me over and over again to make sure I haven’t forgotten.  I can’t blame him.  He doesn’t sound like someone I would like to hang out with either.

As you can see, my sports loving, sitting-still hating son has found a love of art- finally- and he has entered a glitter, glue, and paint phase.  It’s a little messy to clean up but is sure is a whole lot quieter than football or knights or monsters.  I am so loving it. 

And, as always, we love love love to cook (and eat!- well, me anyway.  Rin not so much).  Rin is pretty much a master smoothie maker at this point.  This one is comprised of every single fruit in the house that it almost past its prime.  Rin just loves using the immersion blender- I mean, it’s like a power tool almost.  And men and little boys sure do love their power tools. 

And that sums up our life for now.  I'm having fun with the boys in my life right now and eagerly looking forward to one who will be a part of it all soon.  Still no word on when that will be, but I am hoping soon. 

Keep warm, -m