Here are some of my favorite photos from our Kaz trip #2.
I can’t believe I am leaving tomorrow for trip 3. After more than 7 weeks, I am going to hold my sweet little boy again in just two more days. TWO. I cannot wait to get on that plane. But there is a little part of me that is going to miss the life that we had. The life with just the three of us. Don’t misunderstand, I am ECSTATIC to be welcoming Aibek home but I know it will be a big change for all of us. And there is just the tiniest little part of me that feels really bad for what Rinat is going to go through when I come home next week with his new baby brother. He will still have every ounce of my love but he’s no longer going to have my undivided attention.
Peter and I were talking about my trip the other day and I started to get all misty eyed and Peter asked what was wrong. “I’m going to miss Rinat,” I answered. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me that it’s only a week and he would be perfectly fine without me. But really I wasn’t talking about the week I’m gone. I was talking about the life that will come after. I am going to miss having just him and me. I will miss being able to watch him play at the park, marvel at the dinosaur skeletons at the museum, and hear him tell me about every little thing he finds exciting no matter how mundane. I know that I just won’t be able to see every little thing now. BUT at the same time, I know that Aibek will bring so much to our lives. More fun, more kisses, more cuteness, more laughs, and a whole lot more love.
Bonding is such a weird thing. In Kaz, everyone else wants to know how the bonding is going. But the thing is that there really is no true bonding for me until I can count on this child being mine forever- no take backs, no paperwork problems, appeals period over, immigration papers done. So basically, on the plane home. What you have in Kaz when you are bonding is a high school crush. You think he is soooo cute, you see his face when you are trying to sleep at night, you think every little sound he utters is adorable, and that he can do no wrong. But it’s not until you are home and taking care of this new little one in your life all day every day that it turns from a crush into true jump-in-front-of-a-bullet kind of love. That kind of love is something that only time and history can build.
When we first brought Rinat home, we loved him. But we weren’t ‘bonded’. Not me anyway. And not him either. He pulled away when I tried to hug him and would only let me carry him facing away from my body, Baby House style. He didn’t want to snuggle on my lap except to read books; he didn’t want to be comforted in the night when he woke up. He just flat out wanted to be left alone most of the time. It was sad not to be wanted. And in that situation, I think it’s natural to think you are doing something wrong. But developing trust takes time and it takes a lot of work. This time around, I know not to blame myself or wonder if it’s ever going to happen. I promise to pay more attention to our little Aibek and less attention to everything else. I’m focusing on my little family of four and that is all for the time being. I am hoping it will speed up the bonding process and I am really looking forward to a time when he can trust us and I can trust myself to know what he needs. And I cannot wait to get started on that journey. I’m counting the hours…
5 comments:
You definitely understand bonding. It is no different with your biological children. You won't know one another until you can grow together, and you can't love someone you don't know-not in the truest, purest form of love.
Rinat will be fine, but I understand those emotions too. My second pregnancy was not planned, and after it happened, I thought, thank goodness. Otherwise I might never have had a second child-I was enjoying the one on one relationship with our first so much. But the circle just grows to include the new little person in your midst.
My best,
Ruby
Safe travels to you and Aibek! I hope to meet you and both your beautiful boys at Kazapalooza in June.
Rebecca (mom to Miranda Aigerim from Astana)
I understand the complex emotions that come with adding a second child to the family. I felt the same way when we were expecting Malachi. Now that he's here, I do miss my one-on-one, quality time with Roxana, and it saddens me that she'll never remember the days that were all about her. At the same time, I love the new family dynamic we have. I wish you all the best as you prepare to bring Aibek home.
Safe travels to you and your friend!
I understand and agree perfectly with you on the bonding topic. It was the same for me too. I actally liked the Ethiopia process a lot better for the "drop and run" method.
Yep, the dynamics sure are different. :-)
Yes life will be different, but you will settle into the "new" pretty quickly. I do miss all the one on one time Ciera and I had and I do feel bad for her as I know she misses it too, her behaviour and mood say it loud and clear some days, I have been trying to take a "just us 3" day at least once a week, we don't go anywhere we just hang.
It'll all be fine!!
Love you guys!!!
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