April 2013- Some (love) Notes

Hi all,

So you know how sometimes I post photos but not really any writing?  Well, I haven’t been taking many photos lately but I have made lots of notes on my phone so here ya go- lots of thoughts, not so many photos. 

Apr 1

We went to the zoo and Bek was concerned about where all the animals lived.  “Where dey house?  Where dey go nitenite?” about every single animal that we saw.  He is so darn cute and I just can’t get over how in tune he is to other people (and animals).  It’s his gift. 

Apr 10

Spring in this part of the country is just gorgeous.  Cherry trees are raining blossoms like snow. I love them but I have to say my fave part is when the ‘snow’ gets tracked inside by little feet.  I don’t love the mess but I feel like nature is celebrating the coming of spring by making its own confetti.  And I agree that spring is most definitely cause for celebration.   There are so many cherry trees around there that on the way home from swim lessons the other day, Bek yelled from the backseat "Snow Mama!"  Can we have some hot chocolate?”  Love it love it love it.  And I love that when a friend of Rin’s was shaking the branches to try and get it to snow he yelled, “Don’t do that!  You’re killing the environment!”  I do wonder what he’s going to end up doing with his life.  I have a sneaking suspicious it might have to do with nature.  

April 15

It was one of those perfect mornings.  A morning when your 6 year old, instead of going downstairs to turn on the TV and tune out climbs into bed to snuggle on a dark and stormy spring morning.  He is then joined by your 3 year old who is uncharacteristically snuggly too.  They ask questions about the thunderstorm and lightening outside as we melt into each other arms and legs intertwined in the bed and just enjoy each other.  There is laughing and hugging and kissing and you know that there won’t be too many more mornings like this and you try to soak it in so it can be a part of you forever. And your heart is full.

Apr 5

Crying my eyes out as I take apart the crib.  I'm not sure I'm done with kids and it makes me sad that this part of my life might be over. But the main reason that I would want to do this whole thing again is because I can’t imagine my life with only Walt and me.  I mean, it would be great (Walt is great) but having another sibling just adds another dimension to a family.  I mean, I never would have traveled if it weren’t for my little brother- I sure wasn’t brave enough to do it alone.  I don’t know.  We talk about it but who knows what will happen.  Nothing seems to happen the way we plan it anyway.  Plans are for the naive.       

Apr 11

Aibek is starting to really get it. I pointed out letters a and b in a book and told him the sounds they make. Last night we read the book again and asked him what they said to see if he remembered and he actually did. And he's starting to count. So far, it goes 1, 2, 8, 11, 7. It goes consistently that way. And he can't really tell me what color something is but if I ask him to point to something red or blue or green. He generally can. But if it was up to him everything would be yellow. Everything. He could care less about the blooming cherry trees, but he's all about the bright yellow forsythia bushes. He loves them.  Having a second child is freeing in some ways.  If Rin hadn’t been able to tell the colors by now, I would be freaking out.  But now on kid number two, I get to relax and tell myself, “He’ll get it when he’s ready.”  Because as ahead of things as Rinat was at this age, things sort of even up over time.  It’s liberating not to have to worry so much.   

Apr 18

I am unpacking boxes still. They taunt me from the corners of the rooms but I am determined to not just shove them into the attic or a closet but to actually go through each one and give it some attention. We moved almost 3 months ago- the third time in two years and I am hoping it's our last.  Last week I unpacked the box of photo albums. I enjoyed looking through them a little bit and then I put them up in my room. Last night Rin noticed them there and picked up "Stanward Bound: The Story of Rinat" and started to read. Not just to look at the photos but to read the words that I had written.  And he went through each and every page looking at the photos and reading the story of his adoption and he asked questions. We talked about it but I had a hard time dealing with the fact that the tiny baby in the photo album was the actual 6 year old reading it.  I was just completely and utterly blown away.   I sat there with my mouth open watching this big boy who I still see as my little boy, read about his past.  

Sometimes I forget that our story is not normal. That our lives could have ended up differently, that we could have never even known each other. Adoption doesn't really have a huge day-to-day impact at this point and sometimes I forget how lucky we actually are to have found each other and I am glad that I am reminded by my sweet boy.  I really do hope that he keeps asking questions as the years go by. I may not be able to answer them all but I will sure try.  This time it was "Was my whole baby house really yellow?” And “Were the nannies sad when I left?" but I know one day the questions will get harder to answer and I am glad that I have something like our blog and photos to facilitate talking about it.  And I am very glad that we have the support of our amazing adoption friends to help us answers those tough questions that are sure to come. 

The only thing that threw me off during this interaction with my boys was when Bek asked "Where me?"  Guess I better get to making his book. Can't let the little bugger feel left out!  

Apr 23

Peter was taking the boys to school his morning and as he was getting Bek into the car, Rin threw me a kiss. Then another. And again. And for the entire time that Peter was buckling Bek in. And then when Peter got in the car he rolled down the window and they drove away to the sounds of "Love you Mama! " coming from the both of them with more kisses blown my way. What more could a mom want? 

Now- lest you think every morning is this movie perfect- the previous morning went like this: "Put your shoes on please.  Please put your shoes on now. Rin, Bek, put them on right now. Now.  I said ON. For the love of god- PUT THEM ON!” Yes, I did. I am not above losing my shit every once in a while. Call it a grown up tantrum if you want. Not my finest moment but with two rambunctious boys its bound to happen, right?  Please tell me yes.  Just thought we needed a little reality in the middle of the perfection so no one would think I was full of crap.  Our life isn’t perfect, but it’s perfectly wonderful. 

Love to all, -m 

March 2013- Still Some Firsts

Hi all,

March was blissfully uneventful for us.  There was snow, there was hanging out with friends, there was getting settled into our new place.  It was a pretty good month over all.  The afternoons were spent playing trains in front of a crackling fire.  The evenings were spent with an array of new friends.  Our new place is turning out to be a pretty good fit for us.  We got invited over for dinner to our neighbor’s house and had a great time.  There were friends from the UK, Indonesia Serbia, Greece, a couple who lived several years in China, and then there was boring old us.  I love this place.  And so do the kids.  Rin got a “best friend” necklace and attempted to have a sleepover at his friend’s house.  We got a 10pm knock on the door saying that he was complaining that he was sick but it was a good first attempt I think.  We’ll try again in a few months. 

It was one of those nights when I was just ready to be done.  I was hungry, tired, and just wanted to be left alone.  I said goodnight to Rin and gave him a kiss and left him and Peter to read and I went off to read to Bek.  As I was reading, I heard Peter finish up with Rin and head downstairs and a few seconds later there was Rinat at Bek’s door.  Before he could utter a word I shooed him out with an exasperated wave of my hand- figuring he was going to ask for a glass of water, or if he could wear shorts tomorrow, or another of the myriad of things he does to bug the crap out of me while I am trying to give Bek some undivided attention.  I felt sort of bad about it afterwards so after I finished up with Bek I went to see what he wanted and in this sad little voice he said, “I didn’t get a kiss from Bek, Mama.  I need to tell him I love him.  My whole family has to get kisses.  Will you have him blow me kisses?”  So from he hallway I told Bek to say goodnight to Rin and from the right I heard “Nitenite RahRah!”  and from the left “Goodnight Bekkers!”  Right “Luh you, RahRah!”  Left “I love you too Little Bekkers!”  I was literally surrounded by love on both sides.  What more could a mother want? 

Easter was pretty subdued this year but we got to go to our first real neighborhood event.  Every Easter, they have an egg hunt at the park around the corner and it was so much fun.  We got to spend time with our new friends and meet a bunch more people while we were at it.  It was super cute because they let the little ones go first before the big kids found all the eggs.  But our little Bek couldn’t understand why Rin wasn’t going with him and so he waited until the big kids got the OK and went with him where Rin found some for himself and was sure to point out some for his little bro.  What a sweet kid.    

Gone are the mornings when the boys piled into bed with us when they woke up.  Now, it’s them up way before dawn creeping downstairs.  It makes me a little sad that I don’t get many morning snuggles anymore.  But I wake up to the sounds of boys playing.  I can hear the crunch of the Legos and the whirr of a Beyblade but best of all is the conversations I hear between them.  The sharing and the teaching and the love that they have for each other is wonderful and it might not be as snuggly as two little boys in my bed but it fills my heart just as much.  It lets me know that even after I am no longer here that they will carry on as brothers.  They are not perfect every morning and there are times we have to haul ourselves out of bed to intervene on an argument but more often than not I know they are happy to be brothers and happy to get to spend that quiet pre-parent time with each other.  I don’t even really care if they are sneaking things they aren’t supposed to because they are in it together.      

We don’t get all that many firsts in our kids’ lives anymore- especially Rin’s- so I’ll leave you with some rare firsts.  Rin’s first bubble gum bubble.  He tried and tried and tried all day long and he finally blew a bubble and I caught it on camera.  He was so proud.  I love this boy's tenacity.  He just never ever EVER gives up.  He is living up to his Tatar roots.  And Bek is such a big boy now that he is sleeping in a big boy bed.  He was super excited about it.  I was not because it means he's growing up but I faked it pretty well I think.  I love these kids.  They are the reason we do all the things we do.  It's all for you, boys.        

Love to all,  -m