A Day of Love

Hey All!

I’ve tried to start writing this a couple of times so far but I just don’t even know how to put into words how deliriously happy I am right now. Or maybe it’s just that I am so tired that I can hardly put a sentence together. One or the other. There have been many happy times in my life but last night and today have been just blown away the competition. I have all my boys together again and I can barely believe it has finally happened. The world is good and my heart is absolutely overflowing. And so are my tears. I just can’t stop them from coming. There was a part of me that was always a tiny bit on guard until it was done. But now there is not one single thing to get in the way of it being the four of us together forever. Now that wall is ripped down, smashed up, and put in the shredder and my heart is utterly open to invite this little one into it fully and completely. And he is crawling, cooing, laughing, babbling, and snuggling himself right on in.

But what a trip back home it was. It, as all Kaz flight seem to do, started when we were picked up at 1am to head to the airport in Almaty. Little man wasn’t too out of whack being woken up in the dead of night and stuck into the dreaded snowsuit yet again. Just a little crying and then he laid his head on my chest and was happy again. Things went well, we got lots of smiles from everyone (except the Kaz passport guys who looked a little pissed actually when they saw Bek’s Kaz passport). He was also pretty good waiting at the airport too. He just sort of chilled in the stroller mostly. As we were waiting around for our flight, a woman (American looking) was fast walking around the area with a stroller of her own and said “Congratulations” as she passed which took me a little off guard (it was 2am after all). Carson has been obsessed that everyone thinks we are lesbians adopting a baby together this whole time and so she was on a search to talk to the lady again and casually drop the ‘My friend’s husband is home with their other son’ to set things straight. So we started looking around for her. As we looked, we noticed that there were several of us non-Kazakhs with babies on the flight. Four to be exact and so we gravitated to each other and shared our stories. Two of the four were also in Karaganda at the other baby house and then the woman who had congratulated us (who, yes, was set straight by Carson) was in Ust. What a small world. Not to mention meeting (don’t think I mentioned anyway) a woman and her sister in Frankfurt, on their way to Kaz, who recognized me from the blog. Super small world. In any case, our flight was called, we bundled him up yet again, and headed to Germany. He was pretty decent on the flight. It helped that there were at least three other babies on the flight crying so he just sort of blended into the mix. Overall, no complaints. I shoulda known it wouldn’t be that easy…

So we got to Frankfurt and just sort of hung out for a bit- got some coffee, bought some internet minutes, strolled Aibek to sleep, Carson took a short nap. Sidebar- Carson cannot for the life of her, despite multiple glasses of wine AND Ambien, sleep on a plane. But she has no problems whatsoever falling asleep in seconds in a booth at a café in the middle of a crowded airport in a foreign country. Really? Anyway, sidebar done- we were just hanging out trying to waste the time we had there. Until we looked at our itinerary… and realized our flight left in less that an hour. Oh shit! Shut down computer, pack stuff back into bags, grab stroller, and run to monitor to see that it is…dundundun….cancelled. So we went to the Lufthansa counter to see what the deal was and they said “Oh yeah, it’s because of the blizzard.” Um, ‘scuse me? Blizzard? In DC? As Rinat would say “What the J?” So they then sent us down to the United counter (who was operating the flight) and basically told us to run because they might be able to get us on the 12:15 flight. So Mama ran with Baby, followed by Friend with all the bags down the terminal hallway, down the stairs and to the counter where we were told “Oh no worries, you and the baby are on the flight. But your friend? Nope.” Say what? So they got her a standby ticket and we rushed down to the gate to see what we could do- beg, plead, pay somebody off. As easy as our first flight had been, this one was making up for it. Carson is talking to the gate agent, I am trying to find a place to change stinky diaper #3 of the day without having to change him on my lap (gross), running around like a chicken with my head cut off so I can get back and try to evoke some sympathy from the flight people. There was just no way I could leave Carson stranded in the airport after she came all of the way to Kazakhstan to help me. But there was also no way I could stay at the airport because I would literally have to stay at the airport since Bek, Mr. Kazakh citizen, had no visa to enter Germany. It was total insanity. So we are waiting and waiting and they start calling all of the people to board. First it’s the Awards Members and First Class, then the people with children and elderly, and then they begin general boarding and still nothing. Officials keep telling me I have to board and I keep saying “No, I have to make sure my friend is on the plane.” And finally when everyone else has boarded, we hear those sweet words “Carson Hobby, please come to the check-in counter” Hallelujah. I didn’t even care where her seat was as long as she got on that friggin plane.

It turns out that the stewardesses, however, did care. Carson tells me (or so she says) she repeatedly kept trying to come up to check on me and the stewardess kept telling her that she was not allowed into my class of seats (Um, was that Crappy class? Or Bitchy Stewardess Class? Either would be an accurate description) But it didn’t really matter all that much anyway. My perfect child slept. For 6 hours. I mean, it wasn’t exactly sound slumber or anything but it was sleep. He was on my lap and would only lie facing up, fingers in mouth, head on my belly. He would, ever so slowly, begin to slide further and further down my lap and so about every 20 minutes I would have to rouse myself from my semi-slumber and gently ease him back up without completely waking his cute little finger-sucking self. At one point, the man beside me (who was super nice and offered to help me many times) actually woke me up to point out the fact that literally the only part of him still technically on my lap was his head and shoulders. I actually knew that but have any of you tried to hold a sleeping baby for 6 hours straight? It’s exhausting! The last two hours or so of the flight, I actually woke him up because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to get up and move a little bit at least. Carson spied me after a bit and headed up my way into- oohaah- business economy class or whatever it was. So we got to hang out for the last little bit.

Carson was worried about missing her connection in DC so when the wheels touched down, she booked it out of there to get to the front of the passport line. If anyone from DC passport control out there is listening, it would be super great if there was a line for families. I’m just sayin’. In Kaz, we get bumped to the front. Frankfurt has special security lines for families. But in the nation’s capital, we have to trudge though like cattle being led to slaughter. Bummer. But we got to the front finally and- final step in the adoption process- handed over the big fat immigration envelope to the not so nice passport man, wait for him to fill out some forms, and we were done. So I ran out to try and find Carson before she headed to her next flight and was sort of surprised to find that she was still there watching the luggage go round and round. But none of it was hers. So off she goes to the counter and they have, in fact, lost it. And she has missed her flight. And there are no more today. Oh but wait, what about other airports (thank the lord that we live in a big city). Yup, one flying out of DCA in a couple of hours. DONE. Silver lining? She got to walk out with me and see my sweet boys greet the new member of our family. And it was good.

Peter and Rinat were waiting with balloons and smiles and hugs and happy tears. I saw them and immediately started crying to. I was just so amazingly happy to be home where we belong and together again. We caught up for just a minute and then little man had a stinky diaper (of course, what’s new) and so Rinat went with me to change it. He was just so so amazingly sweet with his new baby brother. He jumped up and down and twirled around in circles to make him laugh, he handed him toys and made funny faces, he said ‘kuhkoo’ and tickled him under the chin, and he even told me he’s giving him one of his favorite stuffed animals, AhAh the monkey. It was everything I had hoped- minus the stinky diaper that is. It’s crazy that changing a smelly swampy diaper in the airport bathroom is one of my favorite memories but what can I say- some of the best times in life are not about fancy clothes and big to-do’s but just the everyday ones, covered in spit-up, covered in love.

So we hopped in the car, happy to be back in the US and drove Carson to Reagan National. Rinat was excited to have not just me in the backseat with him (doesn’t happen often) but also his little brother. Poor little Bek though hadn’t had his fill of sleep and shook his head back and forth and back and forth and back and forth soothing himself until he drifted off. It was hard to say goodbye to Carson at the airport. I mean, how can I even begin to say thank you for something like that? It’s just not possible. But the thing is- she knows. She knows because I would have done the same for her. In a second. Any time she needs me. No matter what. That’s just how it is with us. She is treasured and I am lucky to have her. So Carse, wanna head back in say, about 3 years? HaHaHa

And then we headed home. Thankfully, our power came back on while Peter was at the airport. He had packed a bag to stay at a hotel but we got to head home after all. The sheets were dirty, dishes unwashed since the power had gone out a day ago, but it was home and I couldn’t have been happier to be there. Poor Bek was woken up yet again and Rinat could not wait to show him around the house. He wanted to tell him anything and everything about living here and being in our family- including the rules which made me laugh. I let them play for a bit while I made some dinner. And, again, as we sat around the dinner table, the four of us, I thought about how absolutely lucky I am to have all three of my boys in my life. I would not be the same person without each and every one of them. They have all changed me for the better.

Then it was bath and bed. Bek seemed to really enjoy his first bath, unlike the shower in Kaz. He was mesmerized by the moving water and pretty much just stayed at still as he could. I washed off all of the stink from the last few days and he was a soft, fluffy-haired baby again. And so cuddly. And Rinat was super excited because when I handed Bek over to Peter, I told Rin he could come in the bath with me for a few minutes which he LOVES. I’m sure he’ll hate me for it later, but he loves taking a bath with his mama. My sweet boy. After bath, we put the boys (the boyS!) to bed. Bek was fussing a little bit but I left him alone to sooth himself. Then I heard Rin go in there and tell him in his sweet little voice, “Aibek, it’s time for bed little guy. Look outside, it’s nighttime.” He’s being an absolutely wonderful big brother. Zero complaints. I’m amazed by him.

Bek was up a couple of times in the night but did pretty well actually and was up for good at 4:30. Damn that jet lag, but I can’t really complain. Rin woke at 7 and we all rolled around on the bed together for a while. Another memory for my all time best memories list. I loved it. Aibek was ready for a nap soon after and Rin was so bummed. He wanted him to play but I assured him he’d have plenty of time. And it was good because it gave Rin some time with me that was much needed. I missed him so much while we were gone. The snow was falling outside and I was curled up in my robe with coffee in hand, baby sleeping upstairs, big brother playing quietly downstairs, reading all of the well wishes on email, Facebook, and the blog. I have to admit something- I was in my robe from the time I woke up, until after dinner and I am not apologizing for it. Don’t new mamas get to take it easy for a while? I sure did. I soaked up the entire day from 4:30 in the morning when my little sweet chunks let us know he was all done sleeping until I just laid his sweet little head back down in his crib tonight. It was a good day. An amazing day actually. A day for the record books. I hope yours was too.

Love to all, -m

Sorry for the long winded post but I didn’t want to leave a single second out. Every single little thing added up to a difficult, amazing, exhausting, stressful, and blissful experience. And, thank goodness, now it’s done and we are back to our everyday lives.  Thank goodness for the loving magic that happens every day I am with these guys.

Easy Day (HaHa)

Hi all!


No too much to report today. It was pretty low key. It was another rough night with little man and I ended up just passing out on the sofa last night so he could sooth himself without me getting in the way which seems to work out better. I didn’t wake up until 8am (sad to say that Carson is a whole other story) and then lazed around, chitchatted, and drank coffee until little man woke up about 30 minutes later. It’s how every morning should be I think. We hung out in the apartment until noon and then had Sasha take us out for some lunch and souvenir shopping at Tsum. Let me just say that it was not the most pleasant 3 hours I have ever spent.

Firstly, Aibek has had stomach issues (of course, all food is new to him poor guy). So we get to the American Bar and Grill and he is fussy and wiggly. I tried to mime putting a child into a high chair to the waiter and his eyes lit up in that universal ‘I get it’ look. And then he came back with a booster seat to put in the booth. I tried again and mimed putting him in a chair at the end of the table, again the understanding look- and he brought an extra chair to put the booster seat in. I was clearly doomed to hold Aibek in my lap for the duration as he was writhing and flailing around. That waiter clearly does not have any children of his own. Carson and I were both completely starving and happy to have an English menu. I figured there is only so much they can do to mess up a burger but I forgot about the fact that we are in Kazakhstan which is not really known for its amazing burgers but more for the food native to this country. Lesson learned. The meat was so gristly that I took maybe 3 bites before giving up and eating the last 4 french fries that Carson had not pilfered from my plate as I was giving Aibek his bottle. Which he then proceeded to throw up all over the floor of the restaurant. This was no spit up, it was barf and it was gross. So we high tailed it outta there and went to Tsum in search of some shopping.

Sometimes I forget that other people have not been the places that I have been and although Tsum was just par for the course for me and I entered only looking for where there up escalator was, I looked back to be sure Carson was following and saw the same look on her face that I probably had when I first came to a store like that in a foreign country. It is sort of a mix of confusion and being overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of stalls and the amount of stuff in each of them. She seemed so confused. But we found a few places up on the third floor selling the requisite matryoshka dolls and felt slippers and she loaded up on things to bring home. Little Sumo was not super fond of the stroller and wandering around and so I ended up getting him out and holding him for a bit.

I have always felt like peoples’ eyes are on us as we have been in Kazakhstan the last few years but I feel them much more when I am with Aibek. I am not sure if I am more sensitive to it since I know not everyone thinks international adoption is such a good thing in Kazakhstan or if they are staring because I have a super cute baby or staring because he’s fussy or staring because they hate me or what. But they stare. And they stared even harder when his little head fell lower and lower and his little eyes closed and he put his head on my shoulder and fell asleep. It was so sweet, but MAN are my arms tired. We finished up the shopping and got back in the car with Sasha to head back to the apartment to head home which of course woke up Aibek and he started crying and I learned something new about him. His sad little tears drip down from the outside corners of his eyes. I had not even noticed it before. Do all Asian people cry on the outside? I’m curious now.

In any case, we headed home, fed him, cleaned up more vomit, Carson got us some sandwiches from a place next to the consulate, and we took a fat nap until Aibek woke us at 7:30pm.

And in a few hours we’re heading home. I cannot wait to get there. Here’s hoping for a smooth 24 hours of traveling. Not to jinx myself or anything…

Love to all, -m



And here’s a little guest post from the most amazing friend around. I have known Carson since Accepted Applicants Weekend at Sweet Briar College in 1990. She was looking for a roommate that she wouldn’t want to kill a month into freshman year. She settled on me and we have been great friends ever since. I mean, really, who else could I count on to not only fly across the world for me but also keep me entertained, run all my errands, make bottles, get puked on, cry when she met my son, and most of all be just as happy for me and Peter as we are ourselves. She is the epitome of a best friend. So without further ado, here’s my BFF Carson……….

It has been an amazing trip…. overwhelming ...exhausting..Emotional..and so rewarding. I am sitting here in an apartment in Alamty with my dear friend and her sweet new baby (who just puked all over her ha) I am trying to reflect on my trip here. I came with no expectations only to come and help bring home Aibek for Maren, Peter, Rinat and make their family complete. I knew I was going to a very unknown place for me but life hands you all sorts of roads to take you can take- the most traveled and be safe or you can venture out and experience some truly amazing things. I really wanted to be here for my reasons. First being for Maren she went through so much to get here and I could never really help. I mean I could listen …tell her I was sorry when things didn’t go the way she expected but I could not make it all better for her. And of course I am one to make things better.. not being able to fix it for her truly killed me. So when she asked- of course she says I volunteered..but if I remember correctly( which as we know I do) she and Peter laughing suggested it to me- I said sure. Another reason I wanted to go was for Peter. I know that If Scott could not come with me he would trust that Maren could keep me in line and vise versa. I tend to keep Maren laughing and seeing the funny in everything like the door of death..being puked on…my eyes literally melting from the smell of his toxic poo..being woken up from a dead sleep with screaming Bek and staying awake with Maren and eating a whole thing of Pringles bc we are starving and watching Russian TV. Of course there were some personal reasons to come- weight loss …spending time with Maren...and most importantly I felt like this trip would change me as a mother and person. Not many people get to travel to a foreign country and go into a baby house and walk out with a child. To see all those babies who are there and kn0w some of them will never get the life and Rinat and Bek get breaks my heart. I know that my perspective on my children is different as well. Another reason which I forgot about and Maren did not come through on is my fur Russian Hat. DAMN HER

This truly has been an amazing trip and I am so glad I came. I am a terrible writer so Maren has to edit this thing, and we have to go the Ramstore (again) and get home to get up at 1:30 to fly out of here in middle of the FREAKING NIGHT! REALLY??? So with that we head out and then home to the states where Bek becomes a USA citizen  and I am then I am on to my family who I have miss soooo much. HOMEWOURD BOUND

Carson out…

Holy Poo, Batman!

Hi all!

So this morning, Little Man slept until probably 7am which was a very happy thing for us adults. I walked out after a big fat 8 hours of sleep and Carson was watching news coverage of the bombing in the Moscow airport. She had been watching it since 4:30am when she woke up. Scary stuff. But there is only so much time to focus on such a horrible thing when we have a cruising baby to take care of. And he needed a whole lot of taking care of today. We didn’t have too much on the agenda- just a drop-by from Janara this morning and our embassy visit that got moved up to today at 3pm. So it was a slow, easygoing kind of morning- one of those days when we stayed in our pajamas until noon. And Sweetness was very happy to just hang out and play. And poo. A lot. And badly. He left us a really good one this morning (my first) and I changed it with Carson assisting. The stench coming out of that diaper was like nothing I have smelled before. As I opened it up to see mushy poo covering the entire area from front to back, side to side, it wafted up and hit me. I stood, gagging, as Carson ran from the room yelling “My eyes! My eyes! It’s burning my eyes! Oh my God, I think I can taste it!” It took several minutes and a good 10 wipes to get it all off and him cleaned up. We doubled bagged the sucker and I caught Carson before she could throw it out the window to get the smell out of the apartment. It was bad. But little did he know that he had more in store for us. There was another good one before we headed out for our appointment at the Consul in the afternoon and I thought surely we were done for the day.

At 3:00, we walked across the street for our appointment and relinquished all of our worldly goods to the severe looking lady at the front desk. No bags (had to beg to get my credit card out before they stuffed it in the cubby), no food, no cameras, no phones, nothing, and were escorted upstairs by security. Aibek caught the eye of the security guy and started dancing with him in the elevator. He always brings out the smiles in people. And then upstairs in the consul office, like the DMV there were plastic chairs and waiting until your name is called. Janara was there with us and she took over Aibek duty which gave my arms a nice break. Stinky Aibek, same as Rinat when we brought him here 3 & ½ years ago, barfed all over himself and since we were not allowed to bring anything up with us, stayed in his smelly clothes for the duration. Finally they called his name and we headed to the window to attest that all paperwork was correct. But instead of the lady smiling and welcoming a new US citizen, I hear “Um, there’s a slight problem. How soon is your flight home and how soon can you get in touch with your husband?” Not the words you really want to hear as you are literally minutes away from being done with anything being able to go wrong. Thankfully, after some discussion and brainstorming, it turns out it was something that we could easily change (or rather she said “I think probably immigration will be OK with that.”) but my heart did stop there for a few seconds. So I refilled a form, raised my right hand and said ‘I do’, got the essential sealed envelope to give to the immigration officials as we enter the US, and we were off for a final meet-up with The Sisters. They gave me all of our final instructions and we were officially done with all things adoption related. D-O-N-E, DONE.

To celebrate, we headed up to have dinner at Assorti in the mall. Little man had his first restaurant experience and ate a whole bunch of the mashed potatoes off my plate. He loves his potatoes. But as we sat there, it became obvious that he had yet another gift for us in his diaper. We paid for dinner, beers un-drunk, and found the bathroom. Unfortunately, there was no changing station but there was a long counter where there was a young woman checking her makeup. And brushing her hair. And straightening her clothes. And more makeup. So finally, Carson just plopped down the changing pad next to her and went to town on the diaper. And I am not exaggerating when I say that it was most definitely the worst poo of the day BY FAR. I have no idea what in the world is going on with my child’s bowels but Carson used the entire rest of the package of wipes to get this one clean (Haha, better her than me!). The girl started laughing at us and suggested in broken English and charades that perhaps we should just wash him off in the sink. But there was no way whatsoever that I was going to subject the plumbing to that. The girl ended up staying in there and just watching as we got him cleaned, situated, snowsuit back on, in the carrier, and out the door. Carson couldn’t get over why in the world she wanted to hang out in there with us with that going on. I have just sort of learned that people here just love to watch the crazy foreigners. We are freaks here. I’m used to it, but it was new to her. And so as we headed home, I noticed Carson wasn’t wearing her hat despite being constantly cold here. When I asked her about it, she claimed that she was being incognito because she was afraid that the girl was going to follow us home and kidnap Aibek. I’m not really sure why the girl wouldn’t have just followed the baby in the giant smurf-blue snowsuit, but whatever. So she froze her ass off. But Aibek got home safe and sound and he got a good washing down to get rid of the day’s nastiness and it was down to bed.

Tomorrow we have totally and completely free to do whatever we want. No appointments, no obligations, and- best of all- not one thing for me to worry about on the adoption front. It is a done deal. Kazakhstan and the US governments both agree- he’s ours. Ours, ours, ours.

Love to all, -m

Sweet Sleep

Hi all!


So today was a busy busy BUSY day with a brand new (to me) baby. My little Aibek slept until I woke him up at 9:30. Yes, you read that right, I woke him up. At 9:30. But I guess he was due for some sleep since he didn’t actually get to bed until 3am the night before since we were traveling. So I woke him and shoved a bottle in his mouth so Sasha could pick us up at 9:45. He just wore his PJ’s all day long and nobody better give me any shit about it. I’m in survival mode for now. First, Sasha dropped us at the photo place to get pictures for his visa. We were shoved into this tiny little room with a bunch of Kazakh business men who were, of course, staring and talking about us. I mean, we do stand out so I don’t blame them. I heard them saying “kazakh” and “mama”. I think they got what we were doing there. But still no dirty looks so I was glad about that.

Little Sumo was a good boy, no crying at the stranger holding him and taking his photo. They printed it out and we were off to meet Janara at the notary office (while Carson ran across the street to the market for Coke and water and watched South Park in the car with Sasha). A few forms to fill out, some items that I needed to hand off, and then we were off to the doctor’s office to get him cleared to come home. As any doctor’s office, there was lots of sitting in the waiting room. He has snotty nose and maybe a little ear infection so we got some stuff for that. Then it was back home to drop some things off and we walked to the Ramstore mall down the block. We got some pizza at the food court, fed Aibek some lunch, got some groceries, and came back to the apartment to put him down for a nap. A super late one. But he hadn’t really been complaining all that much (but keep reading to the end). I JUST got him to sleep after a bit of crying and passed out from exhaustion myself and the phone rang in the bedroom. I don’t think I have ever jumped up so fast from the dead of sleep. Aibek might have slept until 9:30 but I was up at 5:30 after not even 3 hours of sleep and was so exhausted that I was limp. It was Janara calling and it turns out that the nurse forgot to weigh him and get his height and Sasha was coming to get us in 20 minutes so we could go back for it. So it was off with the comfy sleeping clothes, back on the boots and coats, wake Aibek up and bundle him back in the hated snowsuit, and back in the car to the doctor’s office for a 5 minute weigh and measure, then back in the car home. I was so tired and so pissed that he was going to get no nap at all, that as I was unlocking the door to our hallway, I violently bashed my thumb in the door (now dubbed The Door of Death) and my entire thumbnail immediately turned different shades of purple. And there were most definitely some colorful words exiting my mouth as well. Thank the lord for Carson because I ran into the apartment, grabbed the Aleve, she got Aibek settled and grabbed some ice and I was incapacitated for the next hour as I waited to see exactly how bad it was going to be and if we were going to have to figure out how to find a doctor to drill a hole in my fingernail to relieve the pressure. I was so pissed, amazingly pissed off. And tired- and I just wanted to be home in my own bed, with Peter and Rinat and be done here. But it stopped swelling after a bit and I calmed down and knew I was going to be OK. Not great, but no doctor at least.

By then it was dinnertime for the little man and so we fed him, ate something ourselves, and then tried out his first shower. He has a snotty nose and I was really wanting to #1 wash off all the dried snot, and #2 get him some steam to loosen it all up and clear it out. But no dice. He was not a fan. So I did what I could and washed off the dried snot and food as he cried and tried to get some water on his chapped little face and put lotion on it. Then we had to wait around for Sasha to bring by some packet for us to keep until Janara came for it the next morning. And, of course since the phone is in the bedroom, I didn’t want to put Aibek to sleep until he had called to say he was on his way. At about 8:30 he finally called, I got the package, and then I put Aibek to sleep.

I really thought he would be exhausted and just fall into bed. But I was wrong. So so wrong. He cried and cried and cried. I think partly the food is not agreeing with him and partly he wanted his comfy crib at the Baby House. I don’t blame him, I’m pretty excited to get back home myself. I tried everything to make him feel better and the only thing that worked was swinging him back and forth. But of course I can only do that for 5 minutes before my back goes into spasms so I would have to stop which would start him crying again. He was crying so hard it was making him cough, and then he would go ‘uh-bbb, uh-bbbbbbbbbbbb’ over and over again, and he had that hitch in his breathing that they get when they cry so hard. He just kept at it for a good hour and a half no matter what I did. It was sad and I knew he was so tired. I know it is against every adoption protocol, but finally at 10pm I decided to just let him cry. I think maybe I was just interfering in his self soothing and it was just better that I leave him alone. It was torturous and I felt bad for him but it worked. Eventually he just cried himself to sleep. I was right there and did what I could but exhaustion finally took over for us both. Sweet sweet sleep.

Sweet dreams! Love to all, -m

Exhaustion

Hi All!


Exhaustion is an understatement. But the new Mama hormones I have coursing through my body are completely making up for it. My friend Carson and I went and had a visit with my little Sumo this morning and I was so afraid that he was going to cry or that he wouldn’t want to be held by me. But he didn’t at all. Not even when Carson held him (and cried). I could hardly put him down because I just wanted to hold his sweet soft little body in my arms and feel that fuzzy head on my cheek. And it was bliss, pure bliss. And when I did put him down, I saw that he’s crawling now. No more of the flop and puke, he’s really truly crawling across the room and it is so good to see. And he’s making some sounds too. I heard him say some consonants and I mirrored them back to him and he looked at me like “Wait a minute, you heard that?” I think he’s going to start babbling soon after we get Mr. Cuteness home. I told Peter I was going to teach him to say “Dada” before we get home. As you can see, I did take a couple of photos today but mostly I really just wanted to hold him. I want to hold him until my arms go numb and I have made up for them being Aibek-less for the last seven weeks. But most of all, I want to hold him until he knows that I will hold him forever.

There have been a few changes around the Baby House since we last were here. The big room downstairs is under construction so we had to go in the main door (which I had never been through before). The carpets were ripped up and everything was a little chaotic with the changes. There were new babies in Aibek’s room and some of my favorite ones that I was hoping to see had moved on to other rooms. But I did get to see some of my other little baby friends. And, as is typical for anyone who comes to Kazakhstan, Carson wanted to know why most of them were not able to be adopted because, really, shouldn’t they all have homes? But there are things here (and in the US too of course) that just don’t seem right and there’s not much you can do about it. Rules are rules and it makes me feel better to know that at least they are taken care of as well as possible in the Baby House. It’s no family, but they are healthy and mostly happy and it could be worse.

After the visit, we ran a couple of errands and then headed back to the Cosmonaut Hotel for lunch and a big fat nap. As we ate lunch, Carson saw that it was beginning to snow. It was those big fat flakes that drift down slowly and land so gently on top of each other just blanketing every branch with gorgeousness. It was beautiful and so cozy. The only thing missing was a big fluffy chair by a crackling fire, a good book, and a cup of hot cocoa. But it made for good napping too. I kept having dreams of picking Aibek up from the baby house and doing stuff like dropping him on his head, or forgetting him somewhere, or them stopping us at immigration and I felt so sick to my stomach and slept a bit fitfully. But I woke up excited and glad to have gotten at least a little bit of sleep considering what’s ahead.

We picked my sweet Sumo up at 9pm from the baby house on our way to the airport and I felt like we were doing it on the sly, like we were stealing him or something. They had let Murat know not to lock the gates to the driveway and to wait for us by the door to let us in. When we came in Bek’s room, it was eerily quiet. The lights were off and one of my favorite nannies, the one who whispers Kazakh in Aibek’s ear, was there to see him off. She had changed him and put on a fresh diaper so all we had to do was bundle him in his puffy snowsuit and we were ready to go. But for some reason, I just couldn’t leave. I didn’t want to. I have such mixed emotions about taking him away from the only home he’s ever known and the only ‘mommies’ he’s ever known. I know it’s his chance to have a family and our chance to have a child and it’s a really good thing but still I feel guilty. There were tears- from Carson and from me and from his nanny- and we walked out into the wintery outside world and he was gone forever from the Botakoz baby house. It was a little bit sad but mostly happy. And off we were.

When we went to check in at the airport, it turned out there was no reservation for him on the plane- oops. But we got it all figured out, paid our overweight charges, and then we headed straight onto the plane. He was so good. Amazingly good. I gave him his first non Baby House bottle, some little bits of bread; he played with toys, looked out the window, saw TV for the first time, watched the big fat moon out the window, chuckled at silly Auntie Carson, and stared at the people. The air steward greeted us as we were sitting down and I noticed that his name was Aibek. I told him, ‘Oh, this is Aibek too!” Such a happy coincidence. He helped me get him all strapped onto me and said “We need to keep little Aibek safe” and asked if he was mine. I guess I should expect that question a lot now. I mean, it was not so obvious with Rinat but with Aibek, there it’s sort of in-your-face that we do not share any of the same genes. But we got lots of smiles, the airport ladies made cute baby talk to him, people asked how old he is. I did not notice a single unhappy face directed our way despite the fact that some people here are not so keen on international adoption. It was all smiles. And so was I.

He didn’t actually cry until we got in the car with Sasha. And then he wailed. It is times like that that I am so happy to have Carson with me because she, of course, made him an extra bottle which did the trick. Actually two bottles finally put him under. And his little eyes went to half mast, and then finally closed, fingers in mouth, smacking in his sleep. Aaaahhhh. Nothing like a sleeping baby to remind you the world is good.

And nothing like sleeping on a box spring to wake you up at 5:30 after going to bed at 3:00. But what an amazing sound I woke up to. I could hear my little man sucking his fingers and sighing a contented little sigh. I looked down into the nest we had fashioned between two suitcases, the wall, and the bed and he is all curled up in his little jammies just snoozing away. No better sight in the world. If I know my sweet sweet husband, there will be lots of ‘checking on the baby’ when we get home so he can see our little man safe and sound, happy and healthy, in our very own house. What a wonderful thing that will be. But for now, an apartment in Almaty’s pretty great too.

Love to all, more when I can, -m