A Confession

Hi All-

I have a confession to make.  Prepare yourself…

I don’t love having kids every single second of every single day. 

I know, I know.  How could I say something horrible like that?  And after we worked so hard for so many years to get them, right?  But yeah, it’s true.  I love love LOVE being a mom but sometimes I miss what life was like before the kids. I miss being able to hop out and see a movie whenever I feel like it.  To make plans with a friend that I then don’t have to cancel because someone gets sick.  To wake up leisurely or read my book uninterrupted.  Most of all, it annoys me that I can’t just hop in the car for a quick stop at the grocery store (since I go several times a week these days).  Instead, a trip to the store involves making sure everyone has a snack and toys so there are no meltdowns, that everyone has coats, shoes, and a clean diaper.  That all zippers are zipped, teeth and hair are brushed, and noses wiped before we head out the door.  I spend the time there trying to make sure that no one grabs anything off the shelves, knocks anything down, throws things, yells, runs, asks too loudly, “Why’s that lady so FAT?”, whines for candy/pancakes in the shape of Disney characters/stickers/juice boxes/a cookie from the bakery.  Mostly I miss the quiet and calm of pre-kid life.  And I miss my Peter time too.  It used to be that I could just hop in the car with my sweet hubs on a Saturday afternoon while he ran around delivering golf clubs.  We would hang out together (in the daylight for gosh sakes!), drink coffee at Starbucks and just ponder the meaning of life as we drove.  But that’s just not possible anymore.      

BUT

Then there are times like tonight when my darling husband has packed up the car, the kids, and everything they need to spend the night at Grandma’s house and taken off with my precious darlings and I miss them.  I mean I MIIIISSSS them.  A lot.  But it’s nice.  It’s nice to have the chance to feel their absence and to remember why we tried so hard to make a family in the first place.  I miss the laughter, the kisses, my tiny boy hanging onto my leg, my big boy talking non-stop, and just the general chaos of life with my boys.  The bed next to me is empty and I have trouble falling asleep and when I wake up in the morning, I know immediately that something is not right in my world before I even open my eyes.  The house just feels different. 

Having an entire day to myself is like that movie that has been remade about a million times where the storyline is that two people switch bodies.  The guy who is single ends up in the body of the guy with the family and vice versa.  And it leads up to the big lesson about realizing what is really important in life.  Life is not about the bigwig job, the late nights out at a bar, jetting around on vacation (though I do love an exotic vacay).  It’s waking up to a little voice in my ear at 7am saying,  “Mommy, I made breakfast and Bek is awake.  Can I get him out of his bed and take him downstairs?” when Peter is out of town and Rin has been entrusted with the job of taking care of his mom and brother.  It’s my sweet boys rolling around on the floor naked after their bath and laughing so hard they can’t breathe.  It’s Rinat spending a dollar of his first allowance money ever to buy something for his Daddy in addition to himself.  This life is more than I ever hoped for.  It’s more chaotic.  It’s more exhausting.  It’s more frustrating.  But it is so much more full of love.  And that, of course, is what life is about.  I am so lucky to love and to be loved by these marvelous boys. 

And I am so lucky to have time to myself to be reminded of it.

Love to all, -m

ps- No, the photos have nothing at all to do with this post.  I took them in October but never posted because of Big Pete’s death.  So I am putting them up now.  It’s nice to be reminded that even in the middle of a horrible time in our lives, there are still shining, happy moments.