Part 3- Christmas Prep

Hi All-

I'm not gonna lie.  I was not super excited about Christmas this year.  Maybe it was the loss of Big Pete, maybe it was the unseasonably warm weather, but I just really wasn't into it for some reason.  Our neighbors put up their decorations literally the day after T'Giving (I guess you do that here in the 'burbs) and Rin was pestering me to pull all of the decorations our of our garage as soon as the first ones were up at our neighbors.  I tried to fend him off with gingerbread house making that lasted for a couple of days.  Rin's decoration of the gingerbread house this year was meticulous.  The house stood proudly on top of the desk in the living room for the duration of the season until I let Rin and Bek destroy it after New Years.  I think that was the best part actually- my little destructors liked wrecking it better than making it.

But Rin finally wore us out a few days after Thanksgiving.  There’s a strong possibility I might have gotten aggravated and said, "FINE!  We'll go get a frigging tree for G's sake!" I'm not saying I'm proud of it.  But off we went to the tree place, me grumbling just a bit (I hate hate HATE putting the stinking lights on) and trying to not quell Rin's excitement.  In short, I was being a total Grinch.

It wasn't until we were shopping for a tree at our favorite roadside veg stand (Potomac Vegetable Farms- love 'em) that it hit me.  This is Bek's first real Christmas.  Don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before then.  But as of that moment I decided that I had to make up for his first.  I had to make up for the Christmas when he sat in a room full of babies and ate the same food, sat on the same teeny tiny potty while tied to the side of the playpen, played with the same broken toys, no one gave him hugs or kisses or even looked him in the eye most likely, and there was nothing special about the day.  I wanted to make up for him not even knowing it existed at all.  I wanted him to experience all of those things that I loved most about Christmas when I was little.  I wanted him to smell the tree when he woke up in the morning, spend time looking and each ornament and finding just the right spot on the tree to hang it, listen to all the holiday music that Pandora can provide (Nat King Cole with a little Bing Crosby thrown in), open a ridiculous number of presents, and feel the excitement of it all.  And so, as our boys were running around the tree place like lunatics set free from the asylum, I finally got excited.  I got really excited. 

There are very few times when I feel like I 'saved' my children but every once in a while it hits me that the experiences that we provide for them are not ones that their Baby House friends will ever get to have.  Ever.  And I am so happy that we can bring happiness and love into their lives.  My Grinchy little heart melted and we picked out the best, prettiest, most Christmassy tree we could find.  And I even let Rin pick out a $14 pie to take home for a special tree decorating dinner (those pies are so friggin good- all crumbly on top with nuts mixed in- mmmmm). 

Bek, of course, was confused by the whole thing.  The look on his face through the whole process was hilarious.  But, truly, it is a strange thing when you stop and think about it.  You go to this place with a bunch of trees and find one that you like, take it down and chain-saw the end of it, strap it to the top of your car, drive it home, and then bring it INTO your house.  Such a bizarre thing to do.  I mean, I won't even let my kids wear their shoes in the house because they might get dirt all over the place and we have a special place to keep sticks and rocks so they don’t come in either.  The first few days we had the tree, I would carry our little Beksters downstairs in the morning, he would shout, "LOOK!" and point at it and struggle to get out of my arms to go and try to pull off all the ornaments.  Can't blame him really.  It IS super fun.  

I get the boys an ornament every year representing something about them that year so for this year I got a chicken for Bek because his favorite thing to do is look at photos of chickens on the computer.  He stands next to me as I check email or whatever and says "BokBok!" and flaps his little arms.  So cute. And I got a pencil for Rin because he learned to write words this year.  Can you believe he's writing words?  Big stuff!

   

And after we got the tree up, it was on to other things.  I could barely hold Rin back from pulling the 14 tubs of Christmas decor out from the garage himself.  His number one thing that he wanted to get out was the little (very breakable) Christmas village but with Bek around it wasn't really such a great idea to have it out I didn't think.  So our compromise was that Peter took him to the Hallmark store to buy him his own little unbreakable village.  And he played with it for hours.  And after about a week of that, he let Bek have a turn too.  He's such a good big brother.  Seriously, he is.  And he has taught Bek well.  The other day, I gave Bek a few jelly beans and then turned around to get Rin a dinner treat and I hear, "Thanks, Little BooBoo!"  Bek had shared his precious treat with his big brother just like Rin always shares with him.  I just can't get enough of them.

But the most hilarious part of the preChristmas hoopla was our visit to see Santa.  We went to Richmond for a charity party that some friends throw (we were hoping to win some money for SPOON- no luck this year) and the following morning (post many mixed drinks and more than one jello shot- how old so I think I am? 20?) we hopped in the car and headed out to the mall and Auntie Ann met up with us.  I had been trying to prep our little emotional mess for the Santa thing but really there's only so much prep work you can do with a two year old so we just had to go and see how he would do.  I sorta thought it wouldn't go so great and I was TOTALLY right. 

We sat and watched kids sit on Santa's lap while we ate lunch and he had his little eyes glued to the scene.  I asked him several times if he wanted to go do it too and I always got an emphatic shake of the head.  And he didn't budge on it.  But finally it was our turn to get in line and wait for Santa, we couldn't put it off any longer.  Rin was super excited about the whole thing and tried his best to be the best big brother ever and encourage Bek that it would be fun but just as I anticipated, our little Sweet Chunks balked.  Rin hopped right on up on Santa's lap and I attempted to put Bek on his other knee but he clung to me like a little spider monkey, his nails cutting into my arm.  Finally Santa suggested that I sit on his lap and hold Bek (kinda creepy but OK) and I did but poor Aibek just kept right on screaming, this time reaching out for Auntie Ann to rescue him since Mean Mommy wouldn’t.  Peter was off to the side trying to get some photos with our camera and I was really hoping that he could capture the hilarity of it.  This is the best we could do.  Poor Rin is smiling and looking angelic while Bek is having a nervous breakdown.  Too funny.

But then we were done and the boys got a lollipop and all was good in the world.  A train ride around the mall later and it was time to head back to DC.  Tired boys and tired parents but Rin got his Christmas requests in to Santa so mission accomplished.

More about Christmas to come soon.  Still trying to figure out my awesome new computer.  Love to all, -m

Part 2- And then there was a play

Hi All- 

And then there was a play…

Our mischievous little man was an elf.  How fitting, right?  And he could not have been more excited about it.  He walked around singing all day every day- one of the five songs that they were to perform.  We made a sign,we got costumes, and he practiced practiced practiced.  He had volunteered us to make cookies (which thankfully his teacher filled me in on a day before) and so cookies were baked and decorated appropriately.

And then the big night was upon us.  And it did not disappoint.  The excitement ‘backstage’ was palpable as the kids got dressed up in their costume.  Everyone was on their best behavior for the big night.  Parents were told to take their seats- our Mr Bek was not to happy to leave the fun of all the kids- and we waited patiently for it to begin.  There was the parade of characters through the crowd- Santa of course, the Elves, Betty Beautiful dolls, soldiers and trains.  Rin put the “Shhh” sign to good use to hush the crowd and it began.  It was a succession of songs that we all knew but with different words.  “Jingle Bell Rock” became “Soldier boy, soldier boy, soldier boy march”.  That song that I can't think of the name of that says "Falalalala-la-la-la-la became “Chug-a chug-a chug, chug chug chug chug” and so on.  

And the kids- ranging in age from 3-5- did absolutely wonderful.  Miss Carla said it was the best performance in 15 years.  The only issue was when a couple of the trains crashed into each other as they attempted to chug in a circle and all the parents tried not to laugh at the cutest train wreck ever.  The whole play was just so stinkin’ cute I could barely stand it.  And Bek was entranced as well.  Every time one of the songs ended, he make frantic ‘more’ signs until the next one started.  When it was over we had to bribe him with cookies so he would stop crying that they were done.  And the boys played until we drug them home. 

All in all, it was a complete success and if there had been critic in the audience that night, I am confident that they would have given the play five stars.  Yes, I am biased- but aren't I allowed to be?  

Love to all,  -m

The Holiday Season- Part 1

Hi All-

Does it seem to anyone else as if the holidays start at Halloween and just never STOP?  Yes, this is a two (or three, or four/five/six) part-er.  What can I say?  We were busy the last couple of months.  In a good way.  It all started with a performance and a feast…

Rin’s class sang four sweet songs to celebrate Thanksgiving and what it means and had the parents come in and share food.  I just love Thanksgiving and the message that it sends.  It’s not about what you buy someone or what you get in return. There are no obligations aside from eating a few bites of each dish that someone made and telling them it’s delicious.  It’s all about appreciating what you have.  And boy do we appreciate things around here.  Especially these boys.  

I am so thankful every day for my boys, even on the more trying days.  As Rinat asks me sometimes in the middle of playing Lego’s or reading a book or just hanging out, “Mommy, do you still love me even when you are being mad at me?”  But he knows that I do.  He knows because I tell him about a hundred times a day.  Sometimes in the middle of 'being mad' at him even.  And so when I answer ‘yes’, he looks at me with a smile and says.  “Yeah, I know.”  It’s like he’s just sorta checking.  Just in case.  But really just cause he wanted to hear it for the hundred and first time that day.  But for every bit of aggravation that he brings to me at times, he also brings out the best.  He melts my heart on a daily basis- being so gentle and caring toward his little brother who sometimes hits him and steals his stuff, working so so hard to spell a word for one of the books that he’s written and illustrated, being so proud of himself when he cleans up his room all by himself during quiet time without being asked- I mean, sometimes I can hardly stand it.  He’s amazing.  And I am so thankful that he ended up in our family.

And as for the other boys in my life, what can I really say?  I am just as obsessed with them too.  Little BekMan just gets cuter and lovey-er every single day.  He is the highlight of my day every single day- even when he hits me in the face and laughs, even when he has a diaper blowout, even when he screams his head off when I put him to bed.  It’s still the best day possible because he’s there. 

And Peter too.  I have been in love with my sweet hubs for 18 years now.  EIGHTEEN.  I can hardly believe that I am 18 years old, much less that I have been with Peter for that long.  (And yes, I am way waaaay past 18 years old.  Don’t remind me.  Seriously, don’t.  I just want to live in LaLaLand and pretend I am NOT approaching 40.)  Just like my other boys, Peter can make me furious sometimes and I might still wake up with smoke coming out of my ears the next morning but then he does something like say, “No, Hon, you stay in bed.  I got the boys.“ and I am smitten once again.  I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to stroll downstairs at 8:30 and see all my boys around the table playing Lego’s or PlayDoh just as happy as three little clams.  It's absolute heaven.    

And I am so thankful that I have someone who truly appreciates what I do and doesn’t pressure me to earn money outside of the house at the expense of the kids.  I feel like time with them is so limited and I want to be there just as much as I possibly can.  And I am.  Day in, day out, I am there.  I know one day I’ll get a real job but for now, this is my work and I love it.  Every day I am so thankful I filled out that application for position of mother (literally!).  The pay is crappy, the hours long, and my coworkers sometimes annoying but the payback is beyond measure.  

Love to all, -m

A Happy Post

Hi all-
There is one thing that I left out of the September recap because it is so fabulous, so amazing, and so nerve wracking that it deserved a post all it’s own. 

Uncle MattMatt’s wedding.

Uncle MattMatt (aka, Peter’s younger brother, Matt) is one of those guys who always thought he’d never find his perfect woman.  For every girl he went out with, there was some little thing that he took exception to.  But in reality, it was just that he hadn’t met the one person who he wouldn’t care wasn’t perfect.  But finally, finally he did.  They met last year just as we were preparing to head off to the unknown in Kazakhstan.  We didn’t get too many details except for the fact that rather than asking our advice about whether we liked her and thought she was pretty/smart/funny, he just told us he really liked her.  For him, this was new and different.  But then we went off to Kazakhstan to deal with our own lives for a while.  Then we came back.  Then we went again.  Then we came back again and spent the holidays and most of January waiting.  Then I went and brought our new little guy into our lives and he took over our existence for a while. 

And once we got our feet under us and rejoined the world after a while, we knew that this girl was the one girl who was going to be perfect for him.  And we weren't surprised when he decided that, after 6 months of dating, he was going to ask her to marry him.   

And she said yes thank goodness.

And they asked the boys to be in the wedding. 

Awww CRAP. 

I mean, I love a cute kid in a wedding.  But mine being that cute kid?  It filled me with stress.  Would they wear the clothes, walk the aisle, behave themselves, or scream and ruin it all?  But of course we said yes.  So clothes were ordered, clothes were exchanged (imagine this- Bek was too fat for his size), clothes were altered (the size that fit his belly were inches too long for his chubby little arms), multiple shoe sizes were bought just in case.  And we packed our bags and headed out for the big weekend.

And it was a wonderful weekend.  There were fancy parties (and babysitters for us so we could attend the fancy parties!).  My wonderful Peter gave a heartfelt speech at the rehearsal dinner; we drank lots of wine and got to spend time with family and friends.  And then it was go time.  We got the kids all dressed in their fancy white silk suits (yeah, white silk- on a one year old- yikes!), put on their knee high little cotton socks, tied their cute little while oxford shoes, and hopped in the car hoping for good behavior and no rolling around on the floor getting dirty before the photos. 

At the church, there was a bagpipe player which was just what the doctor ordered.  Aibek was completely enthralled with him.  Every time he stopped for a minute, Bek made the ‘more’ sign.  He literally stood there, mouth open, watching.  And Rin was having a blast with the other two kids who were ring bearers (who, thank goodness were not perfect either but also two cute little boys who were doing what boys do) and behaving himself quite nicely.  I think it helped that I had shown him YouTube videos of ring bearers to prep him for the big event.  And then the time for the boys to perform was upon us.  Rin was very into the whole thing.  He knew exactly how to hold his pole with the flower ball on it (I’m sure it has a name, I just have no idea what it is), how fast or slow to walk down the aisle, and being the ham he is he was reveling in having all eyes on him.  But Bek… well, I wasn’t really sure he would make it.  At the rehearsal the previous day, Rin and Bek held hands going down the aisle but Bek wasn’t super excited at the prospect of being dragged down by his brother so instead he sat his little butt down and screamed.  So, for the real deal, I just decided to play it by ear.  The other three kids held hands and started to walk.  I- who was holding Bek since he wouldn’t hear of anyone else doing it in this room full of scary strangers- said, “Hey look, Bek, there goes RahRah!  Go follow him!” and set him down on the ground.  Little man started sorta strolling on down behind the big boys swinging his little arms, looking around at all the people but he seemed kinda like ‘alright, there’s all these people looking at me but I’m good with it, they seem nice enough and no one is touching me’ (he’s still scared of strangers at this point) and he kept on strolling without looking back.  So I booked it on up the side aisle to the front in my platform heels and whipped around the front aisle to see that Bek had tripped and fallen and someone he didn’t know was very nicely in the process of setting him back on his feet.  But I knew what would happen. Almost in slow motion I saw him get that look on his face that precedes a loud wail.  So I ran a grabbed him before he could get it out and sat down in the pew where he seemed still confused but pretty happy.  And he did well.  Until he saw, during the opening prayer, that his daddy was standing up at the front of the church and he proceeded to say, very loudly in that quiet church, “DADA! DAAADAAA!!”  So I ran out the side door and once again missed the wedding of a family member.

I seem to be cursed, you see, with missing family weddings.  I missed Kate’s last year because I was worshiping the porcelain god; missed Robby’s because we had just gotten home with Bek and I didn’t think I could face traveling again, this time alone, with both of my sometimes rambunctious boys (one, need I mention, with giardia and totally confused about what was going on in his world); missed Matt’s because I was outside sweating and getting bit by mosquitoes and holding Bek (but eventually gave up and sat in the car with the AC); and most recently I missed Emma’s because I was home with the boys because we couldn’t face the 9 hour drive a week after Big Pete’s funeral.  One of these days I’ll attend a wedding again.  Maybe Peter and I should get married again.  Certainly I couldn’t miss that one, right?  Oh wait, but that would mean I’d have to plan one.  Never mind.  Planning a wedding sucks.

But it was fun being outside as Matt and Melissa exited the church as husband and wife.  They just seemed so darn happy about it.  And then it was back to the club for the posed photos and I have to admit that my perfect little Rin had a moment.  I’m pretty sure there will be at least a few photos of my precious boy with a scowl on his pretty little face but I can’t complain.  Because it was off to another fancy party with a great band, dancing, food and drinks while the sitter gave the kids their own ice cream and cake of carried them off to bed.

All in all, a great weekend.  We had fun, the boys behaved, and Bek made it halfway down the aisle.  I have no complaints.  And, most importantly, our Uncle MattMatt got to marry the woman he loves.  And that, of course, is the only thing that matters anyway. 

 Love to all, -m

And no, I don’t have any photos.  I was such a stress ball about the wedding that it didn’t even occur to me to bring a camera. Oops.  Bad Mommy.    
No wait, here's one I poached off FaceBook after the fact.  Aren't they cute?

Loss

I have been trying to write this for a week but nothing I write seems… enough.  I sit down to write and nothing comes out.  Not because I have nothing to say but there is just too much.  I write and delete over and over again.  So now I am going to write and then post it before I can stop myself.  Here goes. 

I don’t even know how to write this.  It hurts my heart to even start.  But our world changed forever last week when I saw my strong, loving husband’s face crumble when he answered the phone.  A wife lost her husband, children lost their father, and my sweet sweet babies lost someone who loved them with all of his heart.  Last week they lost my husband's father, their Granddaddy.  My kids lost a future with him- someone who could have taught them about generosity, compassion, and selflessness.  How doing little things can make all the difference in someone’s life.  I know there are a lot of people who share this loss with us and it fills my heart to know that he was so loved.  How could he not have been?  He was one of the most open hearted and generous people I have known.  All he genuinely wanted out of life was for everyone else to be happy and he supported anything that would do that.  He gave and gave and all he wanted in return was our love.  When we told him that we were going to adopt our children- and from a place that he had never even heard of no less- he was nothing but supportive and excited.  The next time we saw him, he was full of facts about Kazakhstan- the population, the natural resources, the politics.  His excitement for us to fulfill our dreams of being parents was obvious.  It was pure and unselfish excitement.  And that was him in a nutshell.  He felt his happiness through the happiness of others. 

I will always feel like I wasn’t open enough in my love for him.  I wish I would have said it first, said it more often, said it every single day.  I wish I would have called him out of the blue just to say hi.  I wish I would have hugged him tighter and longer.  There is a black hole of woulda shoulda coulda and I could fall into it if I let myself, but I won’t.  Instead I will remember the look on his face as he saw my kids, Rinat especially, and let out a booming “Hey there, Big Boy!” in his sweet southern drawl, arms wide open, big smile on his face, as Rin ran into his bear hug and I will know that my babies gave him some pure and unquestioning happiness.  They hugged strong and tight, and with their whole hearts just as he did them, and I know they brought joy to his life in even his darkest of days. 

And I will remember the tears in his eyes as we said goodbye each time we got in the car to head home from a visit with him.  “Thank you so much for coming.  You don’t know how much it means to me that you were here,” he said every single time as he apologized unnecessarily for the show of emotion.  I too am a softie though I hide it well and I knew what he was saying- that he loved us, that we had made wonderful memories together, and that he was already looking forward to making more- because I was too.  And so, as I say goodbye for the last time, I am the one whose eyes are overflowing and I am the one saying,

Thank you, Pete, for spending time with us.  It meant the world to us that you were here.  I am so glad that Rinat got to spend 4 years knowing you and that you got to spend some time with our sweet little Aibek.  And most of all I am glad that you got to see your son become a father.  You taught him well and I know it made you so happy to see his dreams fulfilled.  We love you and will remember you with nothing but love, every day, for the rest of our lives.  I will give my family all of the hugs I should have given you.  I promise to hold them tight and long and with my whole heart in your stead.

All my love,
-m