Loss

I have been trying to write this for a week but nothing I write seems… enough.  I sit down to write and nothing comes out.  Not because I have nothing to say but there is just too much.  I write and delete over and over again.  So now I am going to write and then post it before I can stop myself.  Here goes. 

I don’t even know how to write this.  It hurts my heart to even start.  But our world changed forever last week when I saw my strong, loving husband’s face crumble when he answered the phone.  A wife lost her husband, children lost their father, and my sweet sweet babies lost someone who loved them with all of his heart.  Last week they lost my husband's father, their Granddaddy.  My kids lost a future with him- someone who could have taught them about generosity, compassion, and selflessness.  How doing little things can make all the difference in someone’s life.  I know there are a lot of people who share this loss with us and it fills my heart to know that he was so loved.  How could he not have been?  He was one of the most open hearted and generous people I have known.  All he genuinely wanted out of life was for everyone else to be happy and he supported anything that would do that.  He gave and gave and all he wanted in return was our love.  When we told him that we were going to adopt our children- and from a place that he had never even heard of no less- he was nothing but supportive and excited.  The next time we saw him, he was full of facts about Kazakhstan- the population, the natural resources, the politics.  His excitement for us to fulfill our dreams of being parents was obvious.  It was pure and unselfish excitement.  And that was him in a nutshell.  He felt his happiness through the happiness of others. 

I will always feel like I wasn’t open enough in my love for him.  I wish I would have said it first, said it more often, said it every single day.  I wish I would have called him out of the blue just to say hi.  I wish I would have hugged him tighter and longer.  There is a black hole of woulda shoulda coulda and I could fall into it if I let myself, but I won’t.  Instead I will remember the look on his face as he saw my kids, Rinat especially, and let out a booming “Hey there, Big Boy!” in his sweet southern drawl, arms wide open, big smile on his face, as Rin ran into his bear hug and I will know that my babies gave him some pure and unquestioning happiness.  They hugged strong and tight, and with their whole hearts just as he did them, and I know they brought joy to his life in even his darkest of days. 

And I will remember the tears in his eyes as we said goodbye each time we got in the car to head home from a visit with him.  “Thank you so much for coming.  You don’t know how much it means to me that you were here,” he said every single time as he apologized unnecessarily for the show of emotion.  I too am a softie though I hide it well and I knew what he was saying- that he loved us, that we had made wonderful memories together, and that he was already looking forward to making more- because I was too.  And so, as I say goodbye for the last time, I am the one whose eyes are overflowing and I am the one saying,

Thank you, Pete, for spending time with us.  It meant the world to us that you were here.  I am so glad that Rinat got to spend 4 years knowing you and that you got to spend some time with our sweet little Aibek.  And most of all I am glad that you got to see your son become a father.  You taught him well and I know it made you so happy to see his dreams fulfilled.  We love you and will remember you with nothing but love, every day, for the rest of our lives.  I will give my family all of the hugs I should have given you.  I promise to hold them tight and long and with my whole heart in your stead.

All my love,
-m